


Candleflame to the Sun

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 19:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17289992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: It's the worst end-of-case-drinks that Mogi can ever remember and Matsuda clearly agrees.





	Candleflame to the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 12dayschristmas

It’s the worst end-of-case drinks that Mogi can ever remember.

It’s not surprising really. It isn’t as though the case has actually ended well. Oh, they _won._ They won. Kira is dead, died screaming and sobbing in front of them all, begging for some sort of mercy that couldn't be provided. The second Kira is in custody, terrified and bewildered because the moment the notebook went up in flames, he lost his memories of everything that happened and has no idea that he killed thousands of people. The other second Kira also has no memory of her actions and is currently sobbing herself sick in her hotel room because her beloved boyfriend is dead because her beloved boyfriend was Kira.

Mogi had suspected. Suspected enough that he was almost sure. And yet somehow, he’s still surprised. Still betrayed. Still feeling empty. Or maybe that’s because he just watched someone scream and beg for their life and knew there was nothing he could do to help them.

They’re all there, except for Near, which isn’t exactly surprising, it’s not like Near would fit in at a bar. Mogi doubts he’d have wanted to come anyway. But the rest of the SPK are there, which should help, only it doesn’t, because they all look just as shell-shocked, just as lost as everyone else. So after a few murmured comments, they all sit together and drink and Mogi, who has always liked silences because they make it easier not to make mistakes, wonders how this one can be so heavy.

Matsuda is drinking a lot, more than the rest of them. He looks like he never wants to stop. He was the only one to step into that warehouse with no suspicion at all, not a single cloud of doubt over the sun that was Light Yagami. Mogi can’t imagine what Matsuda must be feeling now. He doesn’t really want to. Matsuda has always believed, a bright little blaze of belief. Now ...

“Matsuda, I think you’ve had enough,” Aizawa says after a while and Mogi knows he’s just as unhappy and worried as the rest of them and that’s why he says it so roughly but it’s a mistake because Matsuda flares up immediately.

“Why? You’re still drinking!”

“I haven’t drunk as much as you. You have go to home, you know.”

“I don’t need _you_ to tell me what I can and can’t do! You’re not my fucking boss!”

Has Matsuda ever sworn at any of them before? Mogi doesn’t think that he has. Aizawa’s looking a bit shocked too and Ide looks up and says “Matsuda, don’t be ridiculous.”

This is why Mogi prefers to stay silent. Because then you don’t have to look back at yourself and think _I said that incredibly stupid thing and made it worse_. Ide has clearly already realised that what’s come out of his mouth is the wrong thing because he’s reaching out a conciliatory hand but Matsuda yanks away, his face red with fury.

“Don’t you ever, don’t you _ever_ call me ridiculous, you don’t get to do that any more, you’re, you’re not anything to do with me, not any more, it’s all over, it’s all over and you can go back to being whatever you are and it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t, none of it ever fucking mattered!”

“Matsuda, you’re drunk,” Aizawa says sharply. “Stop it.”

“ _Stop telling me what to do!_ ”

People are staring at them now, pointing. Mogi hates being looked at like that. He’s flushing from the shame of it but Matsuda doesn’t seem to care. He’s shaking from head to foot and gripping the table so hard that his knuckles have gone white.

“You can’t, you can’t any more, I told you, because it’s all _nothing_ and it’s _over_ , so why don’t you just – ?”

“Why don’t you just get a grip?!” Aizawa’s yelling back now. “Don’t talk to me like this is my fault, Matsuda! Don’t pretend that we didn’t try to warn you what he was – ”

_No, that’s not right, Aizawa, that’s not going to help, don’t say that ..._

Matsuda makes a choking sound, shakes his head violently. 

“You don't … you can't … he wasn't ... ”

“He was _exactly_ what we said he was! You were told Matsuda, you just didn't listen! Don't blame _us_ for this! You put your head in the sand!”

“He was the Chief's _son!_ ”

“The Chief wasn't perfect either,” Ide says quietly.

Matsuda's face turns as white as his knuckles. He makes one incoherent noise, then flees. Aizawa and Ide both look at each other, horrified and it's Mogi who leaps up and runs after Matsuda because he can't be left on his own, he can't, this can't be how it all ends …

It's not hard to catch up with Matsuda. He has stopped, is looking bewildered and lost. Clearly, he does not know where to go. Mogi moves in front of him and Matsuda shakes his head, presses back.

“Go away, leave me alone!”

“Don't do this, Matsuda, please.”

“G-get lost! I don't … none of you like me, none of you ever did, don't _pretend!_ You always thought that I was worthless, all of you! Well, I don't, I don't care any more, I'm quitting, I'm quitting _all_ of it so - ”

“You can't leave the force!”

Mogi knows that he's said it louder than he really meant to but he can't help it. Matsuda _can't_ leave the force, he can't, not after everything they've been through. He is one of them, he's always been one of them.

“Why not?” Matsuda snaps. “What's the point? I worked with a killer for six years and I never noticed and I _liked_ him, I thought he was _wonderful_ and you, nobody ever needed me anyway so what does it matter?! Nobody's ever needed me there.”

“I nearly quit the taskforce,” Mogi says.

Matsuda blinks at him, temporary wrong-footed into quiet. Mogi takes a deep breath, orders himself not to stop speaking, no matter how much he hates this.

“It was … the second year, I think? Perhaps the third. We were getting nowhere, just like we hadn't for ages and it was unpleasant. And I read about other people doing better and I thought: why bother? Why not go and do something else, something that matters? I know I wasn't the only one who thought that. Aizawa thought about quitting again, so did Ide. It's not … anyway. I came in that day and I was thinking about handing my notice in, damned if the Deputy-Director and Light were disappointed in me. And then you came in. And you said hello and you waved at me and you asked what was wrong and when I said nothing was wrong, you said that was good. And you were so cheerful and positive because you felt like it was going to be a good day. You really believed we were going to make a breakthrough. And it was … inspiring. You made me feel like there was something to hope for. Something to be positive about. You were always like that. You never let yourself get downhearted. You _believed_.”

Matsuda stares at him. His mouth is quivering slightly. Mogi swallows. He _hates_ talking like this but it's important. Maybe sometimes he saves up all his words for this. He hopes so.

“We need a bit of hope sometimes,” he says. “You always gave us that. You mattered in the taskforce, Matsuda. You always mattered. Please don't … please don't let Kira chase you out.”

Matsuda's shoulders slump. His mouth quivers, his eyes fill up and then he's sobbing softly, pressing his hands over his face. Mogi wishes he were a different person, wishes he could embrace Matsuda, let him cry but he can't. He isn't that man. So he puts a hand on Matsuda's shoulder and squeezes and listens until the tears stop and Matsuda is just breathing little gulpy breaths.

“I'm going to take you home now,” he says and Matsuda doesn't resist. He hasn't taken back his furious resignation but Mogi is sure that he will. He is sure that Matsuda can stay himself. He _hopes_ Matsuda will stay himself and that his hope will return, even if it's only a candle flame to the sun it was before.

Light's already killed too many things to be allowed to snuff that out too.


End file.
